Welcome to the first post of The Christian Critique Group! I am very excited to introduce this piece of poetry written by Amelia.
Remember, to enter a critique just write in the comments below. If you have a submission, email me at wendythewriterccg@gmail.com and read the guidelines.
Let's get to critiquing!
By Amelia:
Garden
of Tears
Eve’s
Lament
My
grace was unmatched
My
mind, so flawless
My
heart was perfect
O
why did I succumb to darkness?
I
walked in peace
My
thoughts never waning
When
Sin wasn’t a word
At
least not one worth saying
But
I saw the serpent
So
striking and cunning
I
went to him in innocence
When
I should have been running
He
condemned me and eternity
My
fault, alas! The guilt!
I
ate the fruit
Satan
drew a sword from its hilt
What
once was good
Is
now terribly wrong
Beauty
is no more
And
no more is my song
Lo!
The shame
What
had I done?
Wicked
and evil
Shall
be called my son
As
I walk with heavy steps
I
heave many sighs
If
I could go back
Yea,
and untell my first lie!
My
husband is not who he was
The
shame he feels
His
heart, once free
Is
now coldly sealed
He
treads with sorrow
Laden
on his back
No
forgiveness
Could
maintain what we lack
We
hid from God
To
the one who Sees
We
hide our faces
What
fools are we!
We
loved Him so
The
One who creates
We
shunned his Name
But
showed Satan no hate
We
knew all along
What
we were nigh to touch
Sinner
is our name
And
forever be called such
I
long for those days
When
we walked with He
On
sunset nights
On
faithful, bended knee
The
love poured forth
So
warm and free
Flowed
without reproach
But
abused it did we
I
pray for hope
To
the world and some
Who
fall with temptation
Accept
this grace which is to come
Hi Amelia!
ReplyDeleteWow! What a powerful, thought-provoking poem! I loved how it came together in the end when it mentioned the coming of Christ!
Just a few thoughts;
“But I saw the serpent, so striking and cunning…” I think you could use a different adjective instead of having two words that end with –ing. Perhaps “sly and cunning” would work better; it gives the word image of the serpent to have a bit more of a deceptive edge. You can play around with different words or phrases to make it flow a little better.
“We loved him so, the One who creates, we shunned his name but showed Satan no hate…” This is just a personal opinion, but I kind of think the last stanza doesn’t quite match. It just seems a little “thrown-in”.
Other than that, you did an excellent job and I thoroughly enjoying reading this piece (3 times, actually!).
~W. Greene